About a week ago, I became qualified for the toughest of the restaurant senior menus by turning 65. Not really something to celebrate except when compared with the alternative. I rather liked the age 64, which is 2 raised to the sixth power, but one extra day converted that into sort of an official "old age".

For forty-some years, I've resented Social Security, but like you, I was forced to pay into it. Even becoming self-employed didn't help, because by that time, self-employment tax had been introduced as just another form of Social Security.

Today, I finally decided to look into trying to get some of my money back. I started by phoning the SSA 800 phone number. After getting through the typical many-leveled answering system, and aimed at the part where I can talk to a human, I got a recording saying that they were too busy... that Mondays and Tuesdays are their busiest days, and that I should call back at a later time.

The Social Security administration naturally has a website, and you can begin the process online... if you have a printer and no other complications. You might think that after decades of having all your information recorded and sizable parts of your income deducted, that getting payments started in the other direction might be simple. Guess again.

Nothing about government is simple, no matter how elaborately planned it may be... except losing money to it. SSA has a complete list of my payments for 40 years, and access to my tax returns over the same time. They know far more about my financial history than I do, and they've dutifully kept records all that time. My taxed earnings in 1956, the year I graduated from high school, were $86, from summer work. There were later years where my taxed earnings exceeded 500 times that, as the maximum taxable amount, the rate of taxation, and my income all rose.

I would like to be able to tell you how much retirement I would be able to enjoy if I had invested all those payments myself all those years, but because I don't have the detailed information for all those years, I can't astound you with those numbers. Many have done those calculations, and have shown that Social Security is a truly disgusting deal. I can project simple savings over time at a fixed interest rate. For example, if you put $400/year away at a meager 5% interest, and do that for 40 years, you'll have an account of $50,000. $600/year will get you $76,000. For $1,000/year, you'll have $127,000. Make that $1,000/year at 7% and you'll end up with $213,000. Compare those numbers with the amounts you're contributing to Social Security, then remember that your employer is paying about the same amount in that you are. Then go ahead and get sick.

For those many of you younger than me, you should understand that you'll have to wait longer to begin drawing SS benefits. I could look up the rising age scale and reproduce it here, but it would just depress you even more. Even at my advanced age, the full benefit point is not age 65, but 65 years and 4 months.

Here are a few of the delightful questions I was asked as part of the application form:

For each previous wife: Social Security number, birthdate, and date of marriage and divorce. Oddly, I could remember the birthdates, but not the rest. Thank goodness there were only 2 of them. The Social Security numbers are optional.

The beginning and ending dates of my Navy active duty, and Navy reserve duty. I'm somewhat embarrassed that I do, 40 years later, still have papers with those numbers on them. Why the SSA needs answers to such questions is beyond me, but then, most of what government does is beyond me, as you well know. I suspect that the government could have more easily found those answers than me.

One item I'll have to provide to SSA is an original birth certificate. That particular item, which I do have, is the one that really gripes my ass. After having filed taxes for 40-some years... after having received untold mail from both the federal and state governments, as well as county and city, I will still be required to prove that I was born, with a document that is 65 years old. I'm surprised that paper even lasts that long. Some people are surprised that paper had been invented that long ago.

I abhor the Social Security system. It may well be the government system that breaks our national financial back as the bloated baby-boomers begin retiring. Having been forced to pay into it all my working life, I feel no guilt in applying for benefits that I've more than earned. I'm not waiting until I'm 70 when the benefits will be greater... I'm going to do what I can to get my payments back before the boomers break the bank. Since I'm a heavy smoker and coffee drinker, we all know that I should already be dead, so I shouldn't have much impact on the "reserve".

To those of you younger than me... I truly wish you luck in getting back what you will have paid in.