Posted 8:17 AM by Robert Ronald Smith

Whew!

The week of August 20th thru 27th was a severe personal test. I brought my mother, age 89 and suffering from dementia, from Iowa to stay with me in my one-bedroom apartment. I did so for several reasons, including wanting to observe her condition firsthand, rather than through reports from others or an occasional daytime visit. I learned a lot.

I learned that dementia is a tragic condition. As one is aging, difficulty in remembering is an annoyance and often funny, but when it reaches a certain point, it becomes a condition that is disabling for the person afflicted, and a challenge for those around the afficted person. Imagine noticing EACH airplane that flies over as being the first you've seen recently. Imagine recognizing very few landmarks, even though you've seen them many times. Imagine losing track of your own age, what year it is, what state you're in, and even what state you LIVE in.

My week resulted in very little sleep, and what I did get was light because I was worried about what my mother might do when she woke at night. I would wake to hear her crying or calling out for her mother. At night, by far the worst time, although she always recognized me, she had almost no awareness of her circumstances. Usually, but not always, she could find the bathroom just outside the bedroom door. The not-quite-awake state, even when awakening from a daytime nap, can be quite disoriented, and complicated and confused by dreams. On her second day at my place, when I dozed off, Mom woke and, not wanting to bother me, quietly left the apartment building in such a state. I don't think the time lapse was long, but I woke, couldn't find her, and rushed outside... to find her sitting in the automobile that was once hers. I don't think she knew where she was, but the car was familiar.

The odd thing about Mom's dementia is how cogent she can be at times. When she's in a familiar situation with people around who she knows, she can be bright, funny, and even sassy. Darkness, especially sleep, removes the visual clues we take for granted, and a whole different person appears. That different person can be a reversion to her childhood. Mom never remembers her nights, no matter what happened, and if I describe what happened during the just-past night, she simply can't believe it. For her, that may be a blessing.

For me, the week revealed that there is more of the "caretaker" in me than I expected. I was far more patient than I expected, perhaps because it was simply necessary. Since returning her to Iowa, I've craved normal adult companionship and conversation. I thought I would enjoy being alone again, but the change from 24-hour care to being alone is a harsh contrast. A very good friend "took me in" last evening and provided "grounding" that I don't think I've ever needed to such a degree before. My daughter has also been a solid help during this period. Her skill at working with troubled teens has been marvelously useful in dealing with her grandmother. I'm not sure I could have maintained a grasp on sanity without help from several other people.

The "Mom problem" is not over. Getting her into a proper living location that protects her and provides professional care is not simple, and is greatly complicated by the fact that Mom has a twin sister. The families of both twins know that trying to separate them after many, many years of almost constant contact could be fatal for both of them.

In conclusion, in case you don't already realize it... getting old sucks.

Posted 11:40 AM by Robert Ronald Smith

Living minimally in a world of excess

A couple of years ago, out of neccessity, I adopted a reasonably minimal lifestyle. I live on a certain $1360/month and whatever I can pick up from occasional jobs, mostly computer work. I don't consider myself poor, because others living near me are poorer. Surprising to me, I enjoy living at this level. For someone who not so long ago earned $50-60,ooo working half-time, and owned a large, comfortable home, one might expect my current condition to feel as if the floor had fallen through. Well... it did fall through... thanks to my gradual shift from living a typical lifestyle to spending an increasing amount of time on volunteer activities. Once the inevitable came to pass... loss of work due to neglect... my world crashed rather gently. I divested myself of the house and of an enormous amount of accumulated "stuff", and took up residence in a minimal one-bedroom apartment in the poorest part of Richfield. Most of my neighbors are recent immigrants, along with a few fathers paying husky child support, and a few other old farts like me.

It's quite a comfortable lifestyle for a fixed-income due with no other responsibilities. At age 66, one would think that other responsibilities would have disappeared. Unfortunately, that isn't so, and that's where the rub arrives.

I'm currently facing a situation with my 89-year-old mother that would tax someone with plenty of resources and income, and I have neither with which to work (nor does she). For example, I've been driving a 15-year-old car that has been needful of work, some of which I've stretched out because it was adequate (barely) in-town transportation for me. Suddenly, I need that car to be capable of trips to Des Moines, so it's in the shop today, for another $400+ in repairs. That's not all that's needed, but the rest can be postponed (hopefully). The trips will become a possibility, but I'll be tapped out for several months. I may also have to bear the new expense of a cellphone, again, not for my own life, but because of the trips to Iowa.

Referring back to my title for this post... "Living minimally in a world of excess":
I've written several times that the gap between the poor and the "typical" city resident has grown substantially. One critical effect of the middle-class prosperity that so many now enjoy (as I did) is that it drives up the cost of many things, because those doing most of the buying choose more luxurious items, reducing the demand for "cheap" goods. Cities, like Minneapolis, being dominated by properous residents, are tearing down cheap housing and driving out small, low-cost businesses, in favor of luxury housing, boutique shops, and corporations. They're also spending like crazy, driving up taxes, completely wasting sums of money that are astonishing and depressing to those of us living with little excess.

To someone with a comfortable income, as I was for many years, such spendthrift excesses are no more than annoyances. A fancy new school, expanded park facilities, and public museums may even seem like good expenditures of tax money... value received for value spent. Not to the poor. When one is struggling to get through the month, a grand new museum is a hateful expenditure of tax money.

So... as we "progress" into a "world-class" city, full of grand new structures, we must try to close our eyes to the destruction that results. We need to blind ourselves to the fact that we are forcibly widening the gap between the haves and the have-nots, and somehow ignore the ugly fact that we are continually driving the poorest of our citizens into deep and hopeless poverty. If those who suffer are lucky and smart enough, they will survive by becoming helpless wards of the state, further driving up taxes and widening the gap.

In this nation, the poor once had an opportunity to work their way up, but the distance from here to "up" has grown to the point that, for many, it has become a hopeless dream. Personally, I don't need to go "up", but just co-existing with those who are still prosperous is becoming increasingly difficult for those of us nearer the bottom, because many of those among the "haves" have not the least concept of what it is like to be among the poor. What is a luxury for a poor person has become a "given" for most... considered a neccessity. Believe me... from here, the gap is painful.

Posted 12:48 AM by Robert Ronald Smith

Johnny on the spot

At some time in our lives, most of us have had to make a panicked search for a restroom. I noticed this one in a location that wouldn't be handy for many of us... on a rooftop. I thought it might be a prank, until I walked around the building and found out that the roof is being resurfaced. The potty is for the roof workers, placed right where they're working. I wonder if their meals are catered to the workplace too.

Posted 9:17 PM by Robert Ronald Smith

Being a curiosity

Normally I pride myself on handling life without crutches... tonight was a bit of an exception. I needed a drink. The reasons for that need are too complex to discuss here, especially while I'm juiced. I decided to walk to a bar, hoping that the "need" would disappear on the way. Five blocks later, in front of Champs, it had not, so I ensconced myself on their smoking patio and had a beer.

Forty years senior to any other patron, and the only one deliberately alone... that's a curiosity. I found myself trying to convince myself (unsuccessfully) that the other patrons were having a good time, but what I saw was the same discomfort and anxious hope that I remember when I was working the bar scene long ago. I saw one couple who seemed to be on a first "date" and a good fit, and I silently wished them success at breaking through the clumsiness of getting acquainted. In watching others, I remembered the almost unavoidable conflict between acting attractive and "proving" it by "scoring" versus actually getting to know another person.

Finished the beer and left, and decided that Houlihan's was really on the way home, so I stopped there and had another beer. Same crowd, same activities, so I just drank it and left.

Young people are not shallow, but I think they expect each other to be. It's a brutal game that I never understood well, and probably never will. But then... does one ever really understand a compulsion? Next time I "need" a drink, I'll probably just go to my cupboard.

Posted 11:22 PM by Robert Ronald Smith

Feeling depressed

Sometimes the realization of what has changed just within my short lifetime is shocking. For example, it's not unfair to claim that when I was a kid, we worried about dying too young. Naturally, we still worry about that, but there is an ever-increasing worry and problem. That problem is that our bodies often survive much longer than our minds. Alzheimer's, dementia, and just the loss of short-term memory can create a "living hell" for older citizens and perhaps even worse for those who care for them. Unfortunately, it's a problem my mother is experiencing. At 89, she is healthy enough to physically take care of herself, but her memory is such a problem that she cannot manage her own medication, and cannot remember what happened 5 minutes ago. She is aware of the problem, but can't do anything about it.

I spoke to her on the phone tonight, and she has no idea when I last visited her. It was just a week ago, but to her, it has been a long time, and she wonders when I'll visit again. Imagine how perplexing that must be, and how it would eliminate the pleasure we get in recalling recent activities that we enjoyed. Normally, we recall and relive pleasurable events, and in some ways, enjoy them even more later than when we experienced them. To someone with dementia, a fun event is gone almost before it is over, never to be recalled again.

As the memory loss worsens, it can result in a disconnect from "now", because "now" has no continuance. The only firm memories are old ones, and an older person can mentally slip into an old point in time. I've known my mother to slip back 10 years, when she was living in a different city. I recall one time when my grandmother was re-living, in front of us, a time when she was a child, in fear of Indian attacks in Missouri. Those memories, probably 85 years old, were far more fresh, and real, in her mind than the current moment.

I will not refrain from pointing out that Alzheimer's disease affects non-smokers twice as frequently as smokers (for unknown reasons) and I cannot help but wonder whether the increase in Alzheimer's frequency is related to the decrease in smoking.

Were I given a choice between cancer and Alzheimer's, I would unhesitatingly choose cancer, because I would far rather be dead than live with Alzheimer's. That's one of the reasons I belong to and support Compassion and Choices an organization that works toward providing us with some control and choices near the end of our lives. It's also why I support doctor-assisted euthanasia. That we even have to fight to have the right to control our own lives and death is a sorry commentary on our society, and depressing to me.

Posted 8:56 AM by Robert Ronald Smith

OK, this Twins season is just for fun

The Twinkies have lost 5 in a row, reinforcing the adage that you can't win unless you score runs. Now 15.5 games behind the White Sox (but still over .500) and now also running behind Cleveland, in 3rd place... I'm eliminating my hopes for any playoff games. That's serious, you know... as long as a team is in the playoffs you can delude yourself into believing that they can go on to win the World Series.

Meanwhile, one must reluctantly admit that the White Sox are "for real". They're on a 4-game streak and have won 2/3 of all their games. That's without question impressive, and the best in all of baseball. The Sox have a larger payroll ($ 75,178,000) than the Twins ($56,186,000), but it still isn't even close to teams like the Yankees ($ 208,306,817), BoSox ($ 123,505,125) or the Mets ($101,305,821), so they're getting a lot of bang for their bucks.

While the Twins and ChiSox have 5 players each making over $5 million, the Yankees have 10 over $10 million, PLUS another 5 between $5 and $10 million. When a team like the Yanks has a couple of injuries, they can still field a superior team, while lower-budget teams may have to call somebody up from the minors.

When a team like the Twins plays the Yankees, it a little like the kids against the adults. Yeah, the kids are good, but the Yanks have experience at every position, and no weak spots in the lineup. Young players tend to make a few more mistakes, and play more emotionally and streaky, and that can be all it takes to harm a season. There is no logical reason for the Twin's batting slump, but young players tend to be like that. When they're hot, they're hot, and when they're not, they're really not.

So, the 2005 season is "rebuilding", experience, practice, and trying to have some fun. That's the beauty of baseball... at it's worst, it's still fun.